A message from ESPN to their fans:

Did you know that the Chicago Bulls have only scored while wearing shoes? Yet they shot 100% from the field without them (0/0). This even includes the Michael Jordan days.

How about the fact the Randy Moss is the only Viking player to ever have his picture taken while diving to catch the ball one-handed while wearing no. 84 on his jersey and attempting to catch a pass from Daunte Culpepper?

We here at ESPN love to provide you sports fans with stats. Important stats. Statistics that you can’t live your life without. We want to make sure you know the truth and when players really perform at a strong level and when they don’t. You can always count on us to deliver you the straight important statistics about games and players. Who cares about how many points a player has in the game, or who pitches a perfect game? We know you want the nitty-gritty, down to the basics important stuff. And we’re here to give it to you.

Here are some of the statistics we knew you needed to know within the last year.

(These are actual tweets of stats from ESPN or ESPN afflialtes)

  • CJ Watson was 0-3 on game-tying/game-winning shots w/10 sec or less left in 4th qtr/OT in his career before tonight
  • Anthony Davis: 6 pts, 16 reb, 5 ast, 6 blk, 3 stl; 1st player in NCAA Tournament history to reach those marks in a single game.

Now here are two quick examples.

As you all know CJ Watson is ESPN’s favorite player. Our staff absolutely adores him. We know you do too. We simply wanted to make sure you knew that statistic because we respect America’s admiration for Watson. It would be a shame if that went unnoticed.

Anthony Davis is the first to have those numbers, however Johnny “T-bone” Washington once scored 4 billion points, 79 rebounds, FOUR THOUSAND assists, 2 blocks, and 1,000 steals in a game. He often goes unnoticed though, because he was playing for a 16 seeded team, and no 16 seed has ever won an NCAA Tournament game. Coincidently, he’s the only player to score 4 billion points and have his team lose the game. You might ask, “Why do we care about Anthony Davis and not T-Bone Washington?” However, the answer is simple. We know everyone loves UK and if they didn’t have basketball, they probably wouldn’t even be a school. Plus winning is important to us, Johnny Washington lost the game, and we don’t think highly of losers.

Anyways, ESPN appreciates your time and would like to leave you with a couple of important sports statistics before you go.

  • Michael Vick is only the fourth player to wear number 7, play for the Falcons, get arrested for dog-fighting, comeback to play QB behind Donovan McNabb before beating out Kevin Klob for the starting position.
  • Michael Jordan became the only greatest player in basketball because he played in the 90s and he played for the Bulls while Dennis Rodman and Scottie Pippen were there too.
  • Adam Dunn is the first player to strike-out 3,000 times in his career, founding the 3,000-3,000 club. That’s 3,000 strike-outs and 3,000 ensuing broken bats.
  • Tiger Woods has now become the 10th player to ever be named Tiger Woods and go on to win golf tournaments while his blonde, foreign wife watched.
  • Allen Iverson is officially the only player to complain about practice on YouTube whilst wearing a tight fitting hat.
  • Paul Pierce is the only player EVER, EVER to score 2 points against the Atlanta Hawks at 2100 hours, 12 minutes, 37.386 seconds on Sunday, May 6th, 2012.
  • This past year Tim Tebow became the only player to win a football game as quarterback of the Denver Broncos, despite having a -15.8% completion rating, throwing for -34 yards, getting sacked +3 times.
  • Tim Duncan had the 20,968th 20-point game in NBA history this year. It is his 234th 20-point game for the Spurs.
  • Finally, Justin Verlander became only the second Detroit Tiger to strike out 27 players, walk 6, give up 2 runs on 19 hits in a night game on the road while the temperature hovered around 71 degrees across the span of 3 hours and 12 minutes.