Tag Archive: Paul Pierce

Why I (sorta) Hate ESPN 3

A message from ESPN to their fans:

Did you know that the Chicago Bulls have only scored while wearing shoes? Yet they shot 100% from the field without them (0/0). This even includes the Michael Jordan days.

How about the fact the Randy Moss is the only Viking player to ever have his picture taken while diving to catch the ball one-handed while wearing no. 84 on his jersey and attempting to catch a pass from Daunte Culpepper?

We here at ESPN love to provide you sports fans with stats. Important stats. Statistics that you can’t live your life without. We want to make sure you know the truth and when players really perform at a strong level and when they don’t. You can always count on us to deliver you the straight important statistics about games and players. Who cares about how many points a player has in the game, or who pitches a perfect game? We know you want the nitty-gritty, down to the basics important stuff. And we’re here to give it to you.

Here are some of the statistics we knew you needed to know within the last year.

(These are actual tweets of stats from ESPN or ESPN afflialtes)

  • CJ Watson was 0-3 on game-tying/game-winning shots w/10 sec or less left in 4th qtr/OT in his career before tonight
  • Anthony Davis: 6 pts, 16 reb, 5 ast, 6 blk, 3 stl; 1st player in NCAA Tournament history to reach those marks in a single game.

Now here are two quick examples.

As you all know CJ Watson is ESPN’s favorite player. Our staff absolutely adores him. We know you do too. We simply wanted to make sure you knew that statistic because we respect America’s admiration for Watson. It would be a shame if that went unnoticed.

Anthony Davis is the first to have those numbers, however Johnny “T-bone” Washington once scored 4 billion points, 79 rebounds, FOUR THOUSAND assists, 2 blocks, and 1,000 steals in a game. He often goes unnoticed though, because he was playing for a 16 seeded team, and no 16 seed has ever won an NCAA Tournament game. Coincidently, he’s the only player to score 4 billion points and have his team lose the game. You might ask, “Why do we care about Anthony Davis and not T-Bone Washington?” However, the answer is simple. We know everyone loves UK and if they didn’t have basketball, they probably wouldn’t even be a school. Plus winning is important to us, Johnny Washington lost the game, and we don’t think highly of losers.

Anyways, ESPN appreciates your time and would like to leave you with a couple of important sports statistics before you go.

  • Michael Vick is only the fourth player to wear number 7, play for the Falcons, get arrested for dog-fighting, comeback to play QB behind Donovan McNabb before beating out Kevin Klob for the starting position.
  • Michael Jordan became the only greatest player in basketball because he played in the 90s and he played for the Bulls while Dennis Rodman and Scottie Pippen were there too.
  • Adam Dunn is the first player to strike-out 3,000 times in his career, founding the 3,000-3,000 club. That’s 3,000 strike-outs and 3,000 ensuing broken bats.
  • Tiger Woods has now become the 10th player to ever be named Tiger Woods and go on to win golf tournaments while his blonde, foreign wife watched.
  • Allen Iverson is officially the only player to complain about practice on YouTube whilst wearing a tight fitting hat.
  • Paul Pierce is the only player EVER, EVER to score 2 points against the Atlanta Hawks at 2100 hours, 12 minutes, 37.386 seconds on Sunday, May 6th, 2012.
  • This past year Tim Tebow became the only player to win a football game as quarterback of the Denver Broncos, despite having a -15.8% completion rating, throwing for -34 yards, getting sacked +3 times.
  • Tim Duncan had the 20,968th 20-point game in NBA history this year. It is his 234th 20-point game for the Spurs.
  • Finally, Justin Verlander became only the second Detroit Tiger to strike out 27 players, walk 6, give up 2 runs on 19 hits in a night game on the road while the temperature hovered around 71 degrees across the span of 3 hours and 12 minutes.
So I figured I’d wait and lump two recaps together, instead of just one at a time. Here’s a link to NBA recaps from the past two nights, which this encompasses all the games played. 
BONUS: I threw in top plays courtesy of NBA.com for you!

NBA Recap: Monday, March 12th

P.S. I’d definitely go with Biyombo’s block to win the game… get out of here Derrick Rose. PLUS, it helped the Bobcats win their sixth game this season!

NBA Recap: Tuesday, March 13th

Why I (sorta) Hate ESPN 2

This is an NBA analysis from ESPN. We’ve asked all of our best analysts to get together and discuss the 2012 NBA season. They fully encompassed the entirety of the league and would like to fill everyone in on the current season. 

The NBA has a record high 9 players competing this year. Kobe Bryant, Kevin-Westbrook Russell Durant, LeBron James, Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard, Blake Griffin, Linsanity, Mr. Celtic, and Kyrie Irving. These 9 players take turns playing for 7 teams: The Miami Heat, OKC Thunder, Da Bulls, The Celtics, The New York Linsanitys, Team Lob-City and the oldest team in the NBA, the LA Lakers.

Dwight Howard is currently the only player in the NBA that doesn’t play for a team, he simply runs around blocking other people’s shots, rebounding, and missing free throws. He keeps looking for a team, but no one wants him. Many think it’s because of his uniform, which is simply a superman outfit.

As for the others, they all have historical accomplishments this season.

LeBron James now holds the record for “least amount of time it took to win an MVP.” He was declared MVP a mere 25 games into the season, due to having the best season in NBA history. Wilt Chamberlain and Oscar Robertson were the first to congratulate him on his accomplishments. They were quoted in saying, “Even though we had seasons when we averaged a triple-double and 50 points, 25 rebounds per game, LBJ’s ability to close out tight games really helped him dominate the NBA.”

Linsanity is currently the best play to ever play lin the NBA. He has all ready been linducted linto the Hall of Fame despite playing less than one season. During the second quarter of Linsanity’s first game, the New York Knicks declared their new team name, The New York Linsanitys. His mark on the NBA is linbeatable as he will NEVER be forgotten.

Meanwhile, Blake Griffin has set the record for most consecutive dunks without scoring any other way. He has now dunked over players 8, 9, and 10 feet in height. Griffin claims he is often bored, therefore the NBA assembled a team of cars to play Griffin. He proceeded to dunk all over them. He has been seen with another player that throws him alley-oops, but no one has ever caught his name.

Kyrie Irving is the NBA rookie this year. He was the only player drafted because the league didn’t think anyone else would be good. Since there were no other draft picks, Irving was declared Rookie of the Year the minute he was drafted. However, he still has a way to go until he’ll be as good as the other 8 players in the NBA.

Now we all remember the day Kobe Bryant founded the NBA. He was the first one to come into the league, thus leading the Lakers to 5 unopposed Championships. He has been the most dominant player the NBA has ever seen. This makes sense seeing as how he’s the oldest. This season he set the record for most points that anyone has ever scored in any sport. I mean this guy is amazing. We surely remember the game when we scored 81 points back when The New York Linsanitys didn’t have any players. Outside the NBA, he was recently uncharged for rape, due to his ability to play basketball.

Mr. Celtic is an amazing player, after all, he’s the first player that’s a combination of 4 other players. When Rajon Rondo, Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce decided to fuse themselves into one guy, the world was shocked. However, this fusion was successful, and Mr. Celtic was born. Mr. Celtic has long been a rival to the Kobe-founded Lakers. They even beat Kobe for their own NBA championship, in the only game Kobe Bryant has ever lost. All is not good for Mr. Celtic, though. Due to the fusion he is aging incredibly fast and many scientists are looking for away to un-fuse this basketball monster, in order to save his life.

Despite Kevin-Westbrook Russell Durant’s name, he is just one person. He has scored all of the points the Thunder has ever scored. While other non-important players have come and gone, they’ve contributed a few points to other teams. However, no one else has ever recorded a point for the Thunder.

Derrick Rose is the youngest player ever to be invited to play in the NBA. He won his first MVP even though he was only 2 years old and had not yet learned how to smile. He is one of the best players in the NBA. However, his injuries are a problem. He has constant back problems because he’s constantly growing. To score, he simply sprints at the basket, flails his arms around, and throws the basketball in the air. This technique is nearly unstoppable, we are surprised no one else have figured it out until now.

In other news, Tiger Woods, Peyton Manning, Alex Rodriguez, and that one guy who plays soccer have decided to start competing against each other, due to the lack of competition they receive.

From ESPN, this is Cal Webb reporting.